Amanda's Musings

Over the last six and a half weeks, during our time in Cairns (Queensland) with my family I have been reminded of many things. The first two weeks were spent getting ready for Christmas including buying nearly every Christmas present. The third week was relaxing although it was a bit of a slippery slide for me as we had heard shortly before Christmas that my hubby did not get a job he’d applied for. We were hoping to start 2011 with everything sorted (as far as work goes) but instead I felt the stresses of the last few months bubbling to the surface.

New Years was like a switch for me. I spent the first week of this year feeling at my lowest point. I was very worried that I had depression as well as a full set of a variety of diseases due to some physical symptoms that I had developed. Each day I woke up in a black cloud and couldn’t shake the feeling. I was also lethargic and unwell. In retrospect I can see that there were physical (a virus), emotional and spiritual issues causing all of these things.

At the end of that week I sat out on my parents balcony and talked to God. I cried and I asked him how I could get rid of the physical symptoms I was having and talked to him about how I felt. I told God I felt as if I had no real purpose at this point as we didn’t know what we were heading into this year. In the midst of this God spoke to me, not out loud but he definitely spoke. He gently showed me that I must take responsibility for my stress and for allowing it to get a strangle-hold on me to the point of physical illness. He showed me that I cannot blame anyone else for my physical state because its only me who can allow others to effect me. I apologised to the Lord. I told him that I take full responsibility for not trusting him and for being a hypocrite when it comes to taking my own advice.

The next morning I still had some of the physical stress symptoms but that black cloud was gone. The symptoms were niggling at me so I decided once and for all to go to the Doctor and put my mind at ease. I went to two doctors, one just did a blood test which showed nothing was wrong at all, the second did a thorough neurological/physical examination and told me ‘you do not need to worry about your body, just your mind’. I’m very glad she said that, just those words helped my ‘mind’.

Now, why the title of the Butterfly for this post you might ask. Being in tropical far north Queensland especially in rainy season means that there are plenty of butterflies around. The two that are quite common over there and very beautiful are the Ulysses (see the pic below, thats one landed on my back) and the Birdwing. Everywhere we went, or even at home we saw them. Whether purposefully in the Butterfly sanctuary or at the top of the local dam, there they were. This got me thinking, there was a Steven Curtis Chapman song that kept playing through my head called ‘All Things New’ and combined with what we learnt at the Butterfly sanctuary I realised just how significant this creature is to my own life right now.

I’ve not been one for symbols, its not really part of my upbringing but as a very visual person I have found that the Butterfly is a bit of a constant. When we think about how butterflies come to be we can’t help but think about something going from ugly to beautiful, transformation, newness and freedom. These words have all rung true for me over these few weeks. Its been (and still is) a very slow growth but then again, it takes time for a butterfly to transform too.

I have come home with a visual reminder (Butterfly), a word to hang on to (Trust) and a song (All Things New by SCC). I have brought back with me a few things with Ulysses butterflies on them so I can be reminded daily of God’s promise of transformation and renewal. Below is the song that I have found to be so encouraging but before I share that I want to share this verse which I am holding tightly to as we head into the unknown in 2011:

Trust in the LORD and do what is good;
dwell in the land and live securely.
Take delight in the LORD,
and He will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in Him, and He will act,
making your righteousness shine like the dawn,
your justice like the noonday.
Be silent before the LORD and wait expectantly for Him;
do not be agitated by one who prospers in his way,
by the man who carries out evil plans.
Refrain from anger and give up [your] rage;
do not be agitated—it can only bring harm. Psalm 37:3-8